Anything but deceit…
I have forgotten you; Well almost. But, your memories, when they come, they sweep me unexpectedly like a storm. Events swirl in my mind with a flurry like the leaves that whirl with the force of the wind.
Hurriedly I shut all the windows of my mind just as I would have done at home at the onset of a storm. The mind gets hazy and brown. The heart beats faster and face gets flushed red with rush of blood. Anger, hatred and disgust fill my thoughts. Just as rains succeed the summer dust storms, the storm within calms down as tears flow.
Still, after all these years? Yes.
How I wish I had lost you to anything but this. I ask myself questions. What if you’d gone off to some distant land, some road that was calling out your name, and a forbidden country from which no return was ever possible? Or if you had died, in a plane crash or in a road accident or just plain naturally? Then you’d be the man I thought you were and I, the woman that I want to be.
I would have cried. Known that very exquisite and special pain that the loss of a loved one brings about. Your touch would have nestled in my body forever…. But then I would have moved on, with treasured memories of all the good times and endless jokes and of all the days and some nights when we were together, even memories of those endless waits. I remember one of such endless waits of mine at the bus stop with a bunch of flowers for you when a cow came and munched off the flowers and how you laughed and made fun of me, while still accepting the flowerless bunch. My image of who you were would have remained intact but alas you are still around somewhere and still alive…
Oh and what a cheat, what a liar, what a slimy bastard you turned out to be. My memories of you are like dark sooty charcoal pieces. Memories when they do flood my mind are like dark angry sea waves. All that my heart desires then is to drown you under these angry waves, and then to see you gasp for breath, trying to save yourself from the clutches of sure death. How I wish I had lost you to anything that destiny would bring than to deceit.
19th April 2007